Wow. As I’ve said, today is the 16th anniversary of having been diagnosed with HIV. From my calculations I was infected in late 1990 or ‘91, so that would make me basically a 20 year survivor.
For some time now, I’ve been wanting a partner. Late last year I started talking with a guy online who lives far, far away. That tends to be the pattern since I live in a bit of a wasteland. There are some guys around these parts, but they are often already partnered, married (to a woman) or “not my type” which tends to be masculine to hyper-masculine, yet emotionally available and overtly passionate. Doesn’t hurt if they’ve got some muscle and the jeans and t-shirts fit a bit on the tight side…. Anyway, this gentleman and I finally met in March and I certainly felt a chemical reaction, but I felt that he didn’t. After our joint vacation was over I did my best to continue the communications and explore more avenues of connection. I felt I was getting a bit of a cold shoulder. Emails from me would go unanswered or I’d receive laconic and even terse responses. I’d try to Skype him and, if he responded at all it would be, again, terse and even annoyed.
Yesterday I sent him another email and lo and behold I got an email back this morning. He said he was surprised that I had emailed him since I had not written in quite a while. It seemed a bit passive aggressive to me, but now, as I sit writing, I am trying to figure if I have in some way precipitated this. It’s hard for me to tell.
All that being said, I know that my HIV status was a stumbling block for him. In all my searching and yearning, I have been open to relationships with both poz and neg guys, but now I am wondering if the +/- mix is just to volatile. But I’m not sure that was the main issue for him. I’m trying to get up the nerve to write back. I keep obsessing about it, too.
So, I take my own advice and I will love him, even if he doesn’t love me back. And, in a moment of spirituality or religiosity I pray. I pray that he is happy, that he at least likes me and I pray that someday, soon, I’ll find that man who is looking for me. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to be happy, to have dreams and to live a good life.