Stuart Dummit

Stuff So Far

This, that, and the other thing.

I still haven’t heard about the job that I interviewed for. Maybe I asked for too much money, maybe they are so unorganized that no one has figured that my presence in their office and on their payroll would make things so much better. I need the work and would do it for significantly less money, but they asked me how much I wanted to make and I gave them a fair assessment. 

I have been working on new music lately, you can hear it at http://soundcloud.com/stuartdmt - First three tracks are the newest and I think there is an album in the works. I’ve also started a new art project with the Moleskin notebook and the brand new box of 24 Crayola Crayons. Fun.

Also, I’m thinking of renaming this blog. Currently, the name “StuDu” is not sitting right with me. That’s the name my family called me when I was a little boy and sometimes even now when things get cheeky. When I started this blog it seemed funny and inconsequential. Now, though, I realize that this is one of my main outlets and I would like it to represent me in a little bit more grown up light. I’ll probably shift it over to “StuartDMT” soon. That seems to work for other locations and, well, I like it better than “StuDu.”

Still single and not even dating anyone. Maybe that is for the best. I would love to have someone in my life but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards right now. Anyway, with other aspects of my life being in such disarray, I suppose it doesn’t make sense to complicate it any more.

I’ve been spending quality time at the gym. I’m seeing some gains in muscle mass, but my belly won’t shrink and at this point the winter blue jeans might not fit. I wouldn’t mind if the thighs and butt were a bit tight, but the waist really needs to be smaller!

I went to my doctor for my quarterly checkup. Blood work looks good, the tiredness and sleep issues are, according to him, normal. Normal? BS. I asked about the anti-retroviral meds that are supposed to cause mitochondrial damage - I’m taking those, btw, and he just kind of went,”Yeah.” I’m thinking he figures it’s the cost of being HIV+. Ass. I convinced him to do a resistance test to see if there were other meds I could take that wouldn’t do so much damage and would still keep my numbers good. If there were another doctor in the area, I think I’d be all over it.

In the meantime, I’ll keep making drawings, taking pictures, recording music and looking for ways of making a living. Wouldn’t mind if someone went to one of my online stores and bought some stuff. I guess it’s time to up the ante there as well.

….and, still, if the Universe sees fit to bless me with a partner to have, hold, care for and be cared for by, I’d be mighty happy and grateful. Just sayin’.

Purchase some of my music…

Purchase a T-shirt or coffee mug…

Listen to new music…

Check out everything else.

12:27 a.m. June 5, 1958 in the Queen of the Ozarks…

…that’s when and where I was born. A lot has happened in those years, and a little bit of it, just a smidgin has happened to me. Of course, I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. I think the universe has me as its center and all the energy and matter, and all that matters is about me. One would think in the time that I’ve been alive that I would have learned better.

sigh.

I shall give some directionality to my life and put all of that behind me. I look to the future and give my attention to the present. I’ll make the pun and say that the present is a gift. A gift that allows me to shape the future. By now perhaps, with some added attention to detail I can shape that future into a semblance of my desires. I already know, because I learned it well in the years leading up to now, that once a desire is accomplished, filled, realized, it is replaced by another desire. This is the engine of our lives. It all comes to an end when the final, ultimate desire is to have no more desires. That is an unrecognized point on a surface I cannot see, at a distance I cannot fathom.

For now, I have a dog that is loyal and wants to cuddle, a cup of coffee that is growing tepid, a mother who wants visiting and a library that wants reading. There are pictures to be made, songs to be sung, flavors to be tasted, contests to be won. Life is good and I am my own party.

Now, where’s that iPad and that boy friend?

And The Day Unfolds…

Wow. As I’ve said, today is the 16th anniversary of having been diagnosed with HIV. From my calculations I was infected in late 1990 or ‘91, so that would make me basically a 20 year survivor.

For some time now, I’ve been wanting a partner. Late last year I started talking with a guy online who lives far, far away. That tends to be the pattern since I live in a bit of a wasteland. There are some guys around these parts, but they are often already partnered, married (to a woman) or “not my type” which tends to be masculine to hyper-masculine, yet emotionally available and overtly passionate. Doesn’t hurt if they’ve got some muscle and the jeans and t-shirts fit a bit on the tight side…. Anyway, this gentleman and I finally met in March and I certainly felt a chemical reaction, but I felt that he didn’t. After our joint vacation was over I did my best to continue the communications and explore more avenues of connection. I felt I was getting a bit of a cold shoulder. Emails from me would go unanswered or I’d receive laconic and even terse responses. I’d try to Skype him and, if he responded at all it would be, again, terse and even annoyed.

Yesterday I sent him another email and lo and behold I got an email back this morning. He said he was surprised that I had emailed him since I had not written in quite a while. It seemed a bit passive aggressive to me, but now, as I sit writing, I am trying to figure if I have in some way precipitated this. It’s hard for me to tell.

All that being said, I know that my HIV status was a stumbling block for him. In all my searching and yearning, I have been open to relationships with both poz and neg guys, but now I am wondering if the +/- mix is just to volatile. But I’m not sure that was the main issue for him. I’m trying to get up the nerve to write back. I keep obsessing about it, too.

So, I  take my own advice and I will love him, even if he doesn’t love me back. And, in a moment of spirituality or religiosity I pray. I pray that he is happy, that he at least likes me and I pray that someday, soon, I’ll find that man who is looking for me. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to be happy, to have dreams and to live a good life.

Trying To Make It On My Own

Okay. So, tomorrow will be the 16th anniversary of receiving my diagnosis of HIV+. Wow. It was only a few months later that the doctor told me in a round about way that I would probably live for another two years or so at most. And here I am.

In many ways I think I survived because I didn’t know better. Sure, I knew that it was bad, but I also knew that I didn’t want to cop to the idea that something had the best of me. I pulled myself together, took charge of my life and proceeded to get as healthy as I could. I survived long enough for the medications to get better. Then, I survived the medications. Now, for the most part, I deal with some fatigue and displaced fat. All the more reason to spend as much time in the gym as possible.

Because I decided to fight, I knew I had to get a good job. No more low paying career-less time robbers for me. I wanted to do something. So, I got a job selling computers. From there, I got a job at a hospital supporting computers, and from there I became a system support analyst and spent 11 years being the best damn Help Desk guy I could be. The money wasn’t great, but better than slinging burgers, and there seemed to be a future in it. Then, the entire IT department was outsourced.

Not willing to fire me, I got transferred to the Human Resources department where for about 9 months I scanned documents and sorted files. The money ran out for that position so I was left with a choice: take a job that I was frighteningly over qualified for, a job that I would be forced out of within a few months because the department would have to pay me what I had been making as a computer tech, or convince someone in HR to offer me a severance package.

They wouldn’t call it “severance” because that might indicate that they had actually gotten rid of me. No, they called it “Transition Assistance.” It was a paltry sum of money that would help me transition to a new job someplace else. Unfortunately, there really aren’t any other jobs.

So, on the eve of the anniversary of my diagnosis, I decide to return to my roots as an artist and start a design company and sell t-shirts and coffee mugs.

A few months back I posted on my Facebook account an photo of a painting I had done in the ’80s called “Devil in a Gray Suit.” I actually got comments saying that it would make a great t-shirt. Then there was the picture of an eye, then…well, the list goes on. I realized that I had tons of ideas, all sorts of styles of work, pithy sayings and a love of both t-shirts and coffee. That’s it! Follow your bliss!

The process is slow, but it’s getting better. I’ve sold two shirts and a coffee mug so far. I know that it’s kinda cheeky for me to use Tumblr as a platform for advertising, but the images are cool - at least I think they are - and maybe I’ll get some feedback from my 16 or so followers!

I am also giving guitar lessons, managing my mom’s rental properties and picking lost change off the ground around parking meters.

I love you guys. Now, buy a t-shirt!