Stuart Dummit

It’s Been 18 Years.

It was on this date in 1995 that a doctor whose name I can’t remember told me that I had tested positive for HIV. My T-cell count was very low (176)  and viral load tests were just beginning to break over the horizon. I didn’t plan on living for more that a few years and I expected that a significant amount of that time I would spend immobilized and visibly marked as toxic.

Thanks to the advent of cocktail therapy and, I believe, a massive dose of self realized stubbornness, I have survived. I am healthier today than I was 18 years ago, probably even 20 or 25 years ago. Although I can thank modern medicine for life sustaining drugs I want to say that the American health insurance and health care system has made the road far more difficult than it needs to be. It doesn’t have to be this way. There are politicians and activists and a few progressive minded business people who are trying to change things, but the cluster-fuck of this situation will not make an about face until Americans shed their armor of selfishness, greed and intolerance and realize that there is nothing they need to protect themselves from. Nothing.

All that being said I am thankful that I have been blessed with some amazing friends and a supportive family. I am grateful that I have been able to reap the benefits of the technology of the times and the generosity of good people. And, hey! I’m still alive and as ornery as ever.

The Tracy Morgan Aftermath

pozmagazine:

Did you catch Tracy Morgans, uh, not-so-funny stand up routine? His homophobia and violent speech caught the attention of our bloggers and they are sounding off.

In “Homophobia and HIV” blogger Shawn Decker links Tracy Morgan’s comments with increased risk. Click here for more.

Blogger Aundaray takes Tracy Morgan to task for his anti-gay rhetoric. Click here for more.

Kate Ferguson writes: Is Tracy Morgan Just Another Hater … And What About the Rest of Us? Click here for more.

The outrage is building. It’s about time, too. Harvey Fierstein asked on his Facebook page why more people weren’t angry.  It got me thinking along those lines…then I saw the Ben Franklin quote below and went from there….

“Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.”
— Benjamin Franklin

Think: healthcare, unemployment, homophobia, racism, sexism, Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Tracy Morgan, poverty, hunger, liberty, education… In the words of my favorite bumper sticker slogan, “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.”

One Day Left

Today is my last day of being 52. Tomorrow, by convention, I begin my official stint as a 53 year old. When I was younger, I sometimes would say that I felt older on my birthday, but not so much any more. From time to time a pain here or there reminds me that I’m not a spring chicken, but I certainly do my best to counteract the ravages of time.

I’ve been using the entire week leading up to June 5 to celebrate, even though there really hasn’t been a celebration and the most I expect will be carry out food and a box cake at my mom’s tomorrow afternoon, but that’s okay. I would love to have a boyfriend at some point in my life where we could celebrate in grand fashion and act like fools and do silly and sensuous stuff, but right now, I suppose, it’s not in the cards. Not that i haven’t tried, but maybe getting and having a boyfriend isn’t one of my talents.

I’ve got goals for the coming year, as I usually do, and I, for the most part always work toward them. Sometimes I think I’m not good at achieving goals either. But, as they say, the joy is in the journey. If that’s the case I’m a joyous man.

I hadn’t realized until the last few days that June 5 is also the anniversary of the identification of HIV/AIDS. Not the kind of anniversary that one would expect to celebrate, but, considering I have been POZ for quite a long time, it is difficult not to see some odd and twisted significance in the shared date. I choose not to hide my status, but I don’t go around wearing red ribbons and moaning and groaning about this pain, that ache and what ever infection. I do, however, make a big deal about the cost of treatment. At present I am unemployed and count on the State to help with my medication costs, but for 12 years I worked as a computer analyst for a major hospital and had their best insurance plan and I still ended up spending most of my income on medical co-pays and spend downs. Every three months alone I’d have to cough up $1200 for pills. It’s pretty friggin’ hard to believe that the mark-up on AZT, which has been around since 1964, is explained away as research and development costs. Sorry. We can afford nation building but can’t afford public radio or medicine for our citizens. Just another thing I don’t get.

I sold 2 more t-shirts online last night. Now, if I can only sell about 50 to 100 of them a day for the next 10 years I’ll be set! New designs coming soon - I promise - and new products. Can you say “Customized Baby Bibs?”

So, here I am. A reasonably good looking though some what used and scuffed up single male with a good sense of humor, quite passionate and the ability to play the guitar and sing (and fairly well) at the same time. Expiration date is a little closer, but still far enough in the future that I’m a great deal.

Life is good, but sometimes it’s this living business that gets in the way of my party schedule. Now, if only I had a party schedule……

And The Day Unfolds…

Wow. As I’ve said, today is the 16th anniversary of having been diagnosed with HIV. From my calculations I was infected in late 1990 or ‘91, so that would make me basically a 20 year survivor.

For some time now, I’ve been wanting a partner. Late last year I started talking with a guy online who lives far, far away. That tends to be the pattern since I live in a bit of a wasteland. There are some guys around these parts, but they are often already partnered, married (to a woman) or “not my type” which tends to be masculine to hyper-masculine, yet emotionally available and overtly passionate. Doesn’t hurt if they’ve got some muscle and the jeans and t-shirts fit a bit on the tight side…. Anyway, this gentleman and I finally met in March and I certainly felt a chemical reaction, but I felt that he didn’t. After our joint vacation was over I did my best to continue the communications and explore more avenues of connection. I felt I was getting a bit of a cold shoulder. Emails from me would go unanswered or I’d receive laconic and even terse responses. I’d try to Skype him and, if he responded at all it would be, again, terse and even annoyed.

Yesterday I sent him another email and lo and behold I got an email back this morning. He said he was surprised that I had emailed him since I had not written in quite a while. It seemed a bit passive aggressive to me, but now, as I sit writing, I am trying to figure if I have in some way precipitated this. It’s hard for me to tell.

All that being said, I know that my HIV status was a stumbling block for him. In all my searching and yearning, I have been open to relationships with both poz and neg guys, but now I am wondering if the +/- mix is just to volatile. But I’m not sure that was the main issue for him. I’m trying to get up the nerve to write back. I keep obsessing about it, too.

So, I  take my own advice and I will love him, even if he doesn’t love me back. And, in a moment of spirituality or religiosity I pray. I pray that he is happy, that he at least likes me and I pray that someday, soon, I’ll find that man who is looking for me. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to be happy, to have dreams and to live a good life.